I am a 25 year old female who is in a 1 year relationship with a 52 year old man, but that’s not inherently where the issue lies …

The man I am dating is a pastor. And he is married. I met him when the pastor at the church I attend unexpectedly left and he stepped in as a temporary pastor while we were searching for an interim pastor. I thought he was a great, spiritual man and my thoughts about him soon turned to affection. I eventually told the truth to him about these feelings for him because I knew it was wrong due to him being married and a pastor but it in turn began our relationship.

I found out that he’s effectively separated from his wife and they haven’t been living together or being intimate with each other for at least the past 5 years. She cheated on him and left him for another man several years before the separation. But then she returned to him and as he puts it “the Godly thing to do was for him to forgive her” so she came back into the picture because it doesn’t look the greatest for a pastor to be without a wife.

He told me his intentions of divorcing her and I do believe him, but the problem he faces is that he has to earn the money for the divorce first. He isn’t the pastor at my church anymore, because my church went through another shake-up in which he lost the job, of no fault of his own, so now he is looking for another job (he owns his own business but doesn’t bring in enough revenue for him to live the life that he wants) to help increase his income so he can get the divorce from his wife, whom he barely communicates to outside of getting bills paid.

He loves me, and I know that he does but I can no longer be in this relationship anymore. We are basically in a secret relationship because of his personal issues and status as a pastor. His friends and family know about me and he has introduced me to most of them because they all know about the issues and situation with his wife. However, my friends and family can’t know about him due to his status as a pastor and a pastor that once was at my church because they would not understand or care about how his marriage really is. We always have to hide due to someone from my church or family finding out before he gets a divorce because neither of us wants my name being thrown in threw the mud. I literally have no one to turn to about our relationship outside of him and God. So I almost feel as if I’m in a relationship that exists but really doesn’t exists.

I think that we are very similar but in the aspects that we are different in, we vary greatly. He is much older, so thus he is very opinionated about things and a lot of times I feel like he feels he is always right about everything, which leads to me feeling that I can’t communicate with him because there’s no point in it. I don’t feel as if he listens to my concerns a lot of the times as well.

I don’t feel as physically attracted to him as I did when we first started, so I’ve almost completely wanted to stop having any intimacy with him. When he gets angry about things he can be scary sometimes and he yells so much I can barely get a word in, which fuels the whole part of me finding it hard to communicate with him. He’d never hurt me or hit me, but when I’m in an argument/disagreement with someone I’m not the type of person that takes a yelling/screaming approach. I feel like if I were to stay in this relationship that I’d almost be using him. In a sense, I almost feel as if the relationship would change into almost a sugar babby/sugar daddy relationship, and I don’t want that or to waste either of our time being in a relationship that I know that I don’t want.

In the last couple of days I’ve been trying to end things with him but he is hurting because he stated that he trusted me, and he believes that God put us together so that he can fulfill his dreams of having a family (his wife also lied to him and basically cheated him out of having children with her which is also another reason for the separation), and how I am everything that he has ever wanted in someone to spend his life with, and how if I really loved him I would give him a chance to change his ways.

I feel incredibly guilty because I do care about this man a lot andwe have been basically each other’s best friend aince starting this relationship and I feel like he is inherently a good man but I just feel like he is not the man for me. However, he isn’t letting me go and he insists that I am not being Godly and that he doesn’t understand how I could be so cold and heartless by trying to leave the relationship and how it isn’t love or God making me do this to him and how I am the only person that he has. He also is saying that I have evil spirits/demons attacking me and that’s why I want to break up with him and that if we just pray and communicate then we can overcome this.

I’ve told him that I think we come from two different world’s and that I don’t think that we are compatible but he doesn’t believe that and he keeps saying that he’s not going to give up because God doesn’t want him to give up and that I need him in my life …. I just don’t know what to do …

I’m not going to lecture you or tell you what to do. You’re an adult. I’ve composed a pros and cons list based on your own explanation and worldview.

Pros

1. He’s experienced.
2. He’s spiritual.
3. He loves you.
4. He’s your best friend.

Cons

1. He’s married, with no plans of divorce. (This is not an open relationship—he’s cheating.)
2. He’s essentially unemployed/underemployed.
3. He’s overly concerned with his status and the good opinion of his community.
4. You’re his only friend.
5. He keeps you a secret from others.
6. He has hardened, inflexible opinions.
7. You’re not attracted to him anymore / you don’t want to have sex with him.
8. He scares you with his angry outbursts.
9. You’re afraid the relationship will change into an unwanted “Sugar Daddy”/“Sugar Baby” relationship.
10. He tries to guilt trip you into staying with him.
11. He’s insecure and looks to you to emotionally take care of him instead of being an equal partner that takes care of his own emotions and supports you as well.
12. He’s insecure and tries to dominate you.
13. He says you’re possessed by evil spirits/demons.
14. He accuses you of not being spiritual.
15. He believes prayer and communication can “solve” partner incompatibility.
16. He says you’re cold and heartless.
17. He refuses to acknowledge that you want to end this relationship.

My breakdown, based on your own description of the situation, is four pros and seventeen cons. That’s four times more self-described reasons for you to be out of this relationship rather than stay in it.

I’m pretty sure you know what you need to do without anyone else weighing in on this. And I’m including this resource for you to consider when you’re ready.