*** Content Warning: Frank Discussion About Masturbation ***

Is it bad if a wife masturbates because she is being neglected by her husband?

Don’t treat masturbation like an unwanted stepchild you’re ashamed of. Don’t treat your partners like a sex toy (unless, of course, they’re kinky like that and sometimes want to be treated like a sex toy).

Do you see the difference in this philosophy rather than what you’re forwarding? Masturbation isn’t the lower, lesser option. Many people, before they ever partner with anyone, first discover what they like sexually through masturbation and fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with it as a delightful activity all by itself. In fact, in many relationships where people are having lots of partnered sex, the participants might still often masturbate (1) when the other participants aren’t available for partnered sex, (2) because of partners’ temporary illness or incapacity, or/and (3) simply because they like to do it.

If you don’t like masturbation but like partnered sex, you are in a conundrum. Your total sex life is your partnered sex life. That means you have an extra special responsibility not to pressure your partner into doing things they don’t want to do simply because you’re horny. That’s the old-fashioned, rape culture, “we’re partnered/married so you’re obligated” bullshit ethical people are trying to get rid of. Conversely, no one, not even in a committed relationship, has the right to dictate that the other partners can’t touch themselves. If any of the partners don’t want to encounter the others masturbating on their own, they need to ensure that they don’t interrupt the others engaging in “special alone time.” I am not, however, forwarding the idea that the person that wants to masturbate can do so in front of their partners without permission/whenever they feel like it. Consent-based ethics apply in every situation.

You’re giving an example of a wife being neglected by her husband. They both have to find out what that’s about, preferably not when partnered sex is being initiated or sought. If they can get to the underlying issue and resolve it without hurting each other’s feelings, they’ll be okay. It was simply a temporary setback.

Masturbate if you want to. Don’t masturbate if you don’t want to. But don’t blame your partner for your own masturbation. Own it. If you want partnered sex and your partner doesn’t, find out what that’s about and resolve the issue. If the issue can’t be resolved, find another partner/other partners.