Is it possible for a smart and decent man to sexually harass a woman and not know it? If so, what are some classic examples?

It’s certainly possible for a smart man to sexually harass a woman and claim ignorance. Some of the most capable and effective predators definitely keep this in the abuser’s toolkit. However, it is impossible for a decent man, no matter his intellect, to sexually harass a woman and not know it. Decency requires empathy. Empathy “is the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s position.” Any man who violates a woman’s autonomy by ignoring her consent and claiming ignorance can’t call himself decent or even marginally considerate.

This is how rape culture works, allowing sexual abusers and harassers (particularly those that are men) the claim they can “accidentally” sexually abuse someone. Why would you need an excuse if you weren’t already violating or planning to violate someone’s consent in the first place?

So let’s remove all doubt, shall we? People must agree to be sexual with each other and can withdraw that decision for any reason. Anyone that claims culture, gender, tradition, intoxication/impairment, or ignorance revokes or invalidates consent is bullshitting you. You know when someone wants your attention and when they don’t. YES YOU DO. NO EXCUSES. You are owed nothing. Sexual consent is always an ongoing negotiation. You don’t get to give someone “surprise affection” because you come from a “touchy culture” or because you’re awkward, lonely, impaired, frustrated, or angry. Clothing, dancing, drinking and/or drugging, even flirting and someone’s relationship status with you entitle you to absolutely nothing. If you truly don’t know whether your behavior might not be received well, you err on the side of caution and refuse to risk harassment, assault, and rape. If you’re considering a sexual experience with someone that’s interested in you, you remove doubt by asking if they want your sexual attention or want to have sex with you and you accept the answer you get, first time, every time. You ask, you accept the answer you get, and if there’s any confusion, you remove it by clarifying the situation before you act.

There are no “classic” examples of “accidental” sexual coercion, harassment, and assault. However, there are a myriad number of trifling excuses, self-serving justifications, and half-assed rationalizations that allow and have allowed manipulators and abusers to get away with their transgressions.