How many times should a partner accept an alcoholics plea to be forgiven and that they won’t drink ever again? Why is it so difficult to put ones foot down and not be taken advantage of anymore?

As many times as it takes for you to reach your “Holy Shit!” moment? Who knows? I’m sure the alcoholic isn’t just their alcoholism. Maybe they’re also charming, side-splittingly funny, and really good company. Maybe they know how to get you into a good mood easily, especially when you’re drunk as well.

Maybe you met while drinking and have fond memories of that. Maybe slowly, over time, they become a little less funny, somewhat surly but mostly nice, occasionally irresponsible but mostly trustworthy, yet you’re still willing to give these things a pass for the net benefit they provide to you.

Maybe you decide to stop drinking completely yourself and you begin to notice things you never concerned yourself with before, like the way they snore in bed, their stale beer breath, their jokes that now seem repetitive and unimaginative rather than hilarious, and them missing important meetings and deadlines and responsibilities you would have laughed off before.

And then maybe, just maybe, they call you that one word you consider a deal breaker (or that you were willing to give a pass when you were both sloshed), or they do something unforgivably abusive and mean and promise never, ever, ever to do it again (until they do it again, only now with more frequency and fewer apologies).

And then, possibly decades in the future, maybe you reach your “Holy Shit!” moment and figure out you no longer have any respect for this person at all and are seriously thinking about breaking it off. But now you have a shared life (possibly a long-term marriage, kids, a residence you’re both heavily invested in, and mutual friends who will be devastated if and when you break up for good). Separating permanently won’t be as simple then as saying in a new relationship with low investment that you’re calling it quits because you spot certain unattractive qualities now that you don’t think your partner will or can realistically change.

Who knows when that “Holy Shit!” moment will happen for you? Maybe your partner will reach that “Holy Shit!” moment with you instead and dump you first because they want to continue drinking.

Maybe your partner’s drunkenness allows you to be loved imperfectly in a familiar way that keeps you from facing strange, frightening, perfect and healthy sobriety alone. You’ll pull the plug only when that sober solitude looks and feels better to you than rowdy, exciting, inebriated partnership.

Put your foot down or don’t put your foot down, but ask yourself honestly and without defensiveness if you’re really going to make it stick or let that charming, funny, lovable lush back into your heart … just this one more time, you swear for real. ; – )