So this is going to be a slightly circuitous post, but I think it will be instructive to abuse survivors and abusers.

I have an estranged relationship with my parents (i.e., I haven’t spoken to them in years).  They may not want to consciously deal with the reasons why, but in my mind the imaginary future conversation to reestablish contact goes something like this:

Parent(s): We haven’t spoken for awhile.

Me: Why do you think that is?

Do you see what I’m attempting to force to the surface?  Abuse survivors definitely know, almost at an instinctual level.  Outside observers from non-abusive backgrounds might think we’re playing games or being unnecessarily vague or difficult.  But we’re not.  Here’s why.

Abusers who’ve been cut off often think the passage of time is enough to let “bygones be bygones.”

This is complete and unadulterated bullshit.

Abuse survivors never have bygones.  We process and deal with trauma as best we can.  Some of us go forward with our lives with as little or as much strength as we are able to muster, often without adequate therapy and economic/social support.  But the abuse we’ve endured is part of who we are and can never be a “bygone.”  This is not self-pity or victim mentality or wallowing.  Abuse survivors, by and large, are some of the most well-adjusted, psychologically healthy people that exist, primarily because we’ve survived our abuse.  Truth, honesty, and integrity really mean something to us because we know the damage pretending abuse hasn’t happened or isn’t happening can do (i.e., we don’t survive).

When abusers attempt to gloss over the abuse we’ve endured at their hands, it’s a way of victimizing us all over again.  What the abuser is attempting to say is they believe we should forgive them without them acknowledging that they’ve abused us and without them making atonement for their abuse.  They want the easy, preferably public, all-is-forgiven moment with tears and hugs and “I love you” to reaffirm their worthiness to the world without facing our justifiable anger and rage and resentment, without facing actionable consequences that put them in the bad light they’ve undeniably earned.

The “answer” is something like this:

Abuser: We haven’t spoken for awhile because I’ve utterly failed to acknowledge the harm I’ve caused you.  We haven’t spoken for awhile because I didn’t take the first step to indicate how sorry I am for harming you.  We haven’t spoken for awhile because I was too cowardly and scared to face your righteous anger.  We haven’t spoken for awhile because I haven’t done the necessary work to ensure I’ll never harm you or anyone else ever again.  We haven’t spoken for awhile because I’ve never faced any real consequences for abusing you, abandoning you, and taking advantage of you.  We haven’t spoken for awhile because I think I should be forgiven without allowing you to be as angry and as hurt as you need to be with me.   Without trying to defend my inexcusable actions, I’ll accept whatever decision you deem appropriate, even if that means never speaking to me again or never forgiving me.