You are not responsible for an abuser’s behavior.

A rape victim is in no way responsible for their rapist’s actions.

Child abuse survivors do not cause their abusers to hurt them.

It’s never the victim’s fault … ever.

Why do I preface my answer this way? Simple. I’m sure abusive spouses can change. But for the abused spouse, that’s completely immaterial. They’ve demonstrated they ARE abusive, and that’s the only thing that counts.

If the abuser then tries to turn it around and say something like “I said I was sorry. Why won’t you give me another chance?” The answer, again, is …

You are not responsible for an abuser’s behavior.

Whether they’re given another chance or not, they can never, ever be abusive again if they’re truly sincere. Since they’ve already been abusive, that’s a huge mark against their sincerity, ethics, and character.

Abusers are now responsible for doing the hard, demanding work of investigating their actions, thoughts, behaviors, and upbringing and rooting out every excuse, rationalization, entitlement, and contributing factor from their lives. They are responsible for this until they are dead. So many abusers that can’t imagine living any differently rationalize lessened abuse, different kinds of abuse, or denial about the severity of abuse as “improvement.”

Abuser: “I didn’t hit you. What more do you want?”

Abuse Survivor: “To live with someone who wouldn’t want to hurt me in the first place.”

Abusers that want to change help themselves and ensure they never do it again.