Why do people like to dominate or be dominated in a sexual relationship?

I can’t really answer this question because I don’t identify within the BDSM world.

But on an intellectual and physical level, … I get it. There’s something about knowing that people are getting exactly what they want that’s highly arousing, even if that something has to do with power exchange (handing over the reins temporarily, so to speak, to your partner(s) [a] so they can call the shots you desperately want called and [b] calling the shots you absolutely know your partner is/partners are thoroughly enjoying as much as you are by temporarily taking the reins).

People who don’t “get it” often overlook or miss the negotiation when, trust of, and excitement while voluntarily partnering up with like-minded “freaks” (if you will).

Because it looks “wrong” to vanilla folks, they often take it for abuse. Yes, there can be and, unfortunately, often are abusers within BDSM circles, but there are abusers everywhere. There can be an unfortunate tendency to fetishize certain races and genders within BDSM, as well. Again, that’s also hardly unique to BDSM. Abusers in any environment exploit power and trust to get what they want. Ethically kinky people negotiate, plan, and respect consent as a given, which is what’s so wonderful about BDSM ethics. They know it’s abuse without these factors. Regular, “vanilla,” and “straight” sexual ethics presume consent, which makes traditional sexual ethics highly problematic, if not actual tools propping up and propagating rape culture.

Let’s just say I find certain aspects of BDSM highly arousing not specifically because those aspects are kinky, but because people that do it right are clearly “getting off” the way they want to while respecting each others boundaries, choices, preferences, and predilections. Kinky people, as sexual minorities, have very important lessons and examples to teach the rest of the world about honesty, clarity, respect, choices, and consent. The world would be wise to learn, adopt, and adapt these lessons so that all sex and romance starts from consent rather than unknowingly and even intentionally promoting coercion.