How does polyamory work, on a mental and emotional level? The idea of being able to truly love more than one person at once is rather foreign to me.

To answer how polyamory works it’s helpful to address how mono-amory (it’s never addressed that way—instead it’s called monogamy) is usually promoted in most societies.

Mono-amory, or monogamy, is endorsed as the “one true adult romantic and sexual relationship style.” Don’t try to argue with me on this. Just accept the truth of it and recognize, if you are truly monogamous, you usually have a massive amount of privilege attached to that preference.

Almost everything, and I mean everything, backs up your choice: from familial recognition in law, religious recognition in places of worship, informal and formal societal recognition in friendships, work, business, schools, clubs, entertainment, what have you. Pretty much every societal aspect ties together to promote “the one true adult romantic and sexual relationship style.”

Until only very recently, nonconformists were pushed to the margins, pressured to adapt, and almost never embraced their choices outright. Much of that has to do with misogyny, homophobia, femmephobia, biphobia, lesbophobia, slut-shaming, restrictive constructions of masculinity and femininity, you name it. If you went against society openly, you paid a huge personal price in discrimination, ostracism, and physical safety, including risking death. Note the popularity of “diminished capacity” and “crime of passion” defenses for people that kill their straying partners and/or their partners’ other lovers.

Unfortunately, a lot of mono-amory / monogamy is based on the concept of ownership: that once you choose to be with this person, they belong to you no matter what. True, ethical monogamists are trying their best to base the relationship style around equal partnerships, but the former conception is still popular enough to make it a problematic practice. Yes, there are polygamists (most often polygynists) that are every bit as controlling and insecure as the worst monogamists, but they’re in the minority.

Despite all that pressure, many people still don’t love and desire in this fashion. Many people know when they are very young that they can love and desire many people at the same time. Many people uncomfortably recognize this after committing themselves to one person.

Unethical non-monogamists play the monogamy “game” (while keeping their other relationships on the side, secret, and hidden from unsuspecting partners). Other non-monogamous partners have private, socially unacknowledged partnerships with the agreement that their primary partners will never be “embarrassed” by having them revealed. That’s a lot of sneaking around, deception, and control just to hide an aspect of humanity that’s true for a lot of people.

Wouldn’t it be better if those people could practice an ethical relationship style that doesn’t insist on secrecy, denial, and restriction? Polyamorists certainly think so. But pressure to conform to “the one true relationship style” keeps this from happening.

Ask yourself this following question.  Is the idea of being able to love more than one person at once truly that foreign to you? If you’re being honest, it really isn’t. There are loads of examples from history, the present, literature, movies, erotica, and other human endeavors that many people want, have, and practice, to some extent, some version of non-monogamy. Some of those examples may have appeared (or be actively present) in your very own nuclear or extended family.

Congratulations on being monogamous yourself. Wouldn’t it be great if we could congratulate non-monogamous people as well? I look forward to the world where that happens.