*** Content Acknowledgement: Rampant optimism in the face of terrible things ***

As a highly sexual person, I think consensual sex is a beautiful thing.

I’m trying something different.  I acknowledge the everyday horror of rape culture, especially for women, girls, and female-appearing people.  As I am sick to death of it, I won’t be defined by it.

The solution to rape culture is consent culture.

Would you like some sex?

Now, what am I saying here?  This is not a trivialization of harassment, abuse, molestation, and rape.  It’s an acknowledgement that, even living with commonplace horror, joy, pleasure, play, and laughter are still possible.

I am not saying this question is appropriate when first meeting someone.  I am saying this question is completely appropriate when the individuals involved have decided to consent to sex with each other.

Some of you might be thinking “Oh, but that’s so unrealistic!”  If that is your answer, ask yourselves why.

Why shouldn’t requests for sex, among consenting participants, be as commonplace as “Would you like some fries with that?”  Acknowledging a sexual preference shouldn’t have to be complicated, awkward, desperate, fearful, or anxiety producing.  The idea that we think it should is part of the problem that consent culture could correct.  If the answer to the aforementioned question is yes, then consent culture expands instead of contracts.

Well, what kind of sex would you like?

See how consent culture expands the possibilities?  Instead of requests becoming some kind of litmus test on acceptable behavior, the optimistic nature of consent culture seeks to determine what would give the greatest joy, pleasure, and satisfaction to all involved.

I chose sex intentionally because it’s still the high wire act of human relations.  It’s the one area that’s the most fraught with cultural baggage, toxic legacies, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, insecurities, and structural oppression.  And yet, for erotically minded people, really good consensual sex can still leave them feeling like they’re floating on air.

Ah, compersion.  Thanks, ethically poly people!

I don’t care what your preferences in partners are, what erotic way you choose to express yourselves, or what medium you employ.  Consent culture should be able to reach everyone.

Who am I to be saying this?  Nobody special, and that’s the strength of consent culture.  Anyone can understand it.  You don’t need advanced degrees, credentials, a thorough grounding in academic theories, or other such classist nonsense.

I sense some of you might be thinking, “So what if someone says ‘no’ to the first question?”

Then the response is …

Okay.

And nothing further happens.

Yes, I’m still optimistic enough to believe this can become the cultural default and that people will eventually scratch their heads at the idea that rape culture was ever a thing.

And I’m not going to even attempt to address every possibility or permutation whereby consent culture could be compromised, because this isn’t a scientific theory needing critique, skepticism, and retesting.  It’s a wish of mine, as precious to me as it might hopefully be to you.

And you can step consent culture down from sex and apply it to every other form of human activity and relationship, from childhood through grand old age.  Consent culture is essential for sex, but it’s not exclusive to it.

So imagine that world if you can, and then make it happen.

All the best.