What can we do to stop “incels” from harming the public?

* Ergh. *     : – (

I get having empathy for awkward, inexperienced young people who desperately want to have partnered romantic and sexual relationships with people they’re attracted to.

I get that it hurts sometimes, especially if you see someone whose never going to partner with you partnering with someone else.

I get that other people can be spectacularly cruel and insensitive when making commentary about other people’s bodies or faces or fashion sense or behavior.

I get that it can be unbelievably clueless for someone to tell a hurting, pained, and lonely individual to “toughen up” or “grow up” when all they feel like doing is crying or getting a hug and some understanding.

But the level of harm just isn’t equal, not by a long shot.

We can’t say that because of our pain that other people are obligated to be our friends and lovers. We just can’t do that and believe or fight for the consent culture we all want.

We always have the gift of ourselves, even if no other human being wants or desires us. We can value and respect other people and respect ourselves in the process no matter our partnership status.

Yeah, some people point and laugh at other people’s appearances. Some people (of any gender) manipulate toxic masculinity to take advantage of insecure male individuals. Some people are assholes. What are you going to do? Some people have a legitimate reason for pointing out male hypocrisy.

No one is “involuntarily celibate.” If someone else has to be involuntarily friendly, romantic, and/or sexual for an individual to lose that self-created status, then we’ve just rationalized cultural coercion, sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape.

“Incels” have actual, real blood on their hands. Their flip-side partners in misogyny, pick-up artists, have actually taught, encouraged, and committed actual sexual harassment, sexual assault, and rape in the real world. Their unfortunate predecessors in consent rejection generally and woman hate specifically (wife-beaters, rapists, serial killers, and other associated religious and secular misogynists of the past and present) have created an unsafe, unfriendly, and non-erotic climate for even the most forgiving of girls, women, and female-appearing people.

The level of harm is not the same. A better person than me has already said it all with brevity and candor. “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

“Incels” want their pain acknowledged? Fine. I acknowledge your pain. Now renounce misogyny, entitlement, toxic masculinity, coercion, fear mongering, rape and rape culture, and get with the rest of us in creating a truly consensual world.

What can “incels” do to stop harming the rest of us (and themselves)?

All the best.