What do I do if I find out that my wife is having a girlfriend and they are having an affair?

With regards to your wife and her alleged girlfriend, your role is to do absolutely nothing. Don’t initiate a confrontation, don’t stalk either one of them, and don’t get involved in their relationship in any way, shape, or form.

What you do from your end is the following. You pick a date and time when you can have a private conversation with your wife and you clarify, as calmly as possible and without tears or shouting or visible upset, (1) what this means for the future of your relationship and (2) how you proceed forward.

If you are monogamous, won’t forgive infidelity, and didn’t play any part in your partner seeking affection from someone else, you’re looking at separation, divorce, and separate residences.

If you and your wife are monogamous and both share blame in the lead up to an affair, you take responsibility for your behavior and realistically decide whether or not your relationship can be salvaged.

If either one of you is not monogamous and weren’t aware of this before you got married, you’re looking at a major reevaluation of your relationship. It’s still infidelity, but it has a major caveat that complicates the simple notion of an aggrieved “good” spouse and a “bad” cheater.

If you are a man and your wife is a lesbian and not bisexual/pansexual/asexual, you are definitely breaking up.

If you’re thinking about polyamory/swinging/an open relationship, your wife has definitely gone about it in the wrong way.

Regardless of whether or not you stay together, you both need to do better with honesty, open communication, and respect for significant others.

All the best during this difficult time.