What’s the difference between making love and having sex with someone?

I think this question is flawed, but not intentionally.

I believe the difference is the participants in the activity (plus their ability to honestly ask for what they want and make that happen).

The sense I get is that you think there is a definitive difference between activities when what there really might be is a definitive disconnect between partners’ expectations.

Say for instance you’re a highly sexual individual seriously looking for a partner that likes (or partners that like) athletic, explicit, uninhibited sex. The classic answer is to shame the highly sexual individual in an attempt to get them to conform to the “loving” and “tender” sexuality that society considers “appropriate.” I don’t think it’s “tender” and “loving” at all to try to change or pressure people away from their preferences. For me, the tenderness and love are expressed by having lovers acknowledge their innate desires.

People that like unconventional expressions of sexuality are shown tenderness and love by partnering with like-minded individuals that want what they want.

Failing that, partners whose lesser preference is the unconventional one will have to decide what they’re willing to do to accommodate their atypical partner(s). Outliers in this scenario will have to decide what they’re willing to do to accommodate convention. The tenderness and love here are expressed by willing to be flexible.

If people have massive, incompatible differences in libido and desire, the most loving and tender option is for them to find more appropriate partners.

And let’s not underestimate human flexibility. Some people start out expressing one thing during sex and then completely change their activities based on the circumstances or how they’re feeling in the moment.

“Sweet” and “gentle” “lovemaking” might be the least loving and sweet thing you can offer a kinky, highly sexual, or asexual individual. Or it might be the most sweet and gentle thing you can do if others want the same thing.

Again, it’s the people, not the activity, that determine what’s “lovemaking” and what’s “just sex.” There is no universal activity or behavior that expresses someone’s love or consideration for others.

If you revile the person you’re having sex with, however, “just having sex” or “engaging in lovemaking” won’t solve that problem.