*** Warning to non-black people: You are more than welcome to contemplate this from a respectful distance. Just be advised that your views on our humanity do not supersede that very humanity. Thank you. ***

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Hey, brother. Hey, sister. Hey, fellow black people.

Can we talk?

We can? Good.

You know how some of you get when you see my nappy, dreadlocked hair? You know how some of you get when you question my not-always-AAVE speech? You know how some of you get when you’re not quite sure how I get down or who I get down with? You know how some of you get when you’re tryna find out where I go to church (or if I go to church at all)?

Yeah, you.

More than one word of advice: your opinion was not requested.

I know, I know. You’re just tryna help. ’Cause clearly you think I’m doing something wrong, right?

What’s it to you?

Why does my independent blackness concern you so very, very much?

I’m not making any judgments on how you roll. Why can’t you afford me the same courtesy?

And, please, stop with the “white-people-are-watching” concern trolling. White people are always watching. So fucking what? Whether this conversation happens in public or private, it doesn’t detract from the truth of what I’m saying. White supremacy ain’t that powerful, even though it’s hugely problematic.

If you wanna know what team I’m rolling with, here it is. I’m rolling with Team Freedom. How ’bout you?

For you religious black people that think I’m going straight to hell: what, slavery wasn’t hell enough for us?

Yeah, I went there.

Do you really think the staggering percentage of us that are some flavor of Christian would be so if we weren’t originally terrorized?

No, you don’t get off the hook because we transformed and fashioned it to our liking. What the fuck else were we gonna do? Slave dealers, slave masters, and sundry other bigots weren’t offering friendly cultural exchange programs, sweetly asking us if we’d like to sample their wares and politely backing off if we declined. We did what we had to do to survive.

And, no, native African religious practices aren’t proof of a supernatural realm. They’re proof that our ancestors created cultures and mythologies that reflected their hopes, dreams, fears, and wonder, just like everyone else.

We don’t have to invent some fictional netherworld to keep people in check. Wanna know why? We don’t have to keep people in check. We just have to respect others’ choices as long as they respect ours.

No, I’m not rejecting “my culture” by giving church a pass. I’m rejecting the narrative that posits I don’t have the right to fashion my culture as I see fit and as best benefits me. Yes, I get to do that even if you think it’s not properly black, whatever the fuck that is. Christianity is undoubtedly part of our culture, but it doesn’t define it. We do.

And for those of you that are just so curious about who I might be knockin’ boots with: really? Do you not understand consent? I’m pretty sure you do. You’re just being nosey parkers. No, I’m not full of self-hate if I’m doin’ it with a non-black person. No, I’m not a conscienceless fuckboy or thot if I get it on in a way that makes you uncomfortable. No, I’m not a player that doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. I might not even want to get it on, not that it was ever any of your business in the first fucking place.

People can fuck who they want how they want and be as respectful as a straight married couple that’s only ever had sex with each other for fifty years. Yes, ethical non-monogamy is a thing and black people of conscience are as welcome to participate as anyone else. No, your trifling whorephobic asses don’t get to slut shame and berate those of us who reject your monogamy reindeer games.

No, your respectability politics don’t make you a shining example of anything. They make you pathetic, as if we ever had to prove our worth as human beings in the first place.

No, we’re not better than white people. Our humanity is not a fucking competition. We’re equally human, and we succeed as well as and fuck up as bad as anyone. Don’t think so on the latter point? I’ve got one word for you then: Rwanda. Black people committing genocide on other black people: that’s on the record, whether we want it there or not. Yeah, I know. Blah-blah-blah, white supremacy. Blah-blah-blah, colonialism. I already fucking know that. THERE IS STILL NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR GENOCIDE. Shut your ignorant mouths already.

And if you wanna police my blackness so thoroughly while still thinking it’s a-ok to (a) whup those backtalking black kids, (b) side-eye and backbite black QUILTBAG folks, and (c) spew and promote all sorts of unconscious and intentional misogyny, colorism, ableism, classism, rape culture, or what have you, THEN YOU SERIOUSLY NEED TO CHECK YOURSELVES WITH A QUICKNESS.

We good? That’s what I thought.

If we ain’t, please get to steppin’. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

{*Mic drop self defense complete.*}