So I want to address virgin-shaming and how it’s often the flip side of slut-shaming.  Yes, virgin-shaming is definitely a thing (especially in adolescence and young-adulthood), but I think often (not always) what it really comes down to is self slut-shaming.

Here are some thoughtful remarks from a self-described virgin who’s waiting for marriage to get sexual.  She avoids the religious argument pitfalls pretty well.  However …

11. When you talk to people about the reasons you’re actually doing it — for your health and protection, because you want to connect to your partner in other ways, because you want to save it for one person, because you think the world is sex-obsessed enough as it is — none of your answers will be sufficient.

12. A lot of people you date won’t consider it a “real” relationship until you have sex, and even if they pretend to be okay with at first, they’ll eventually start pressuring you into “going all the way” because they don’t know how to accept a relationship that doesn’t have it.

16. Sometimes, in this world where everything is turned into something sexual and casual hookups have replaced a lot of real relationships, the most shocking thing you can do is not have sex. People are desensitized by nudity, and sex, and violence, and any combination of the three, but abstinence is something we don’t know how to deal with anymore.

Okay, I get it.  If someone’s choosing not to be sexual and they’d like to be but current conditions don’t meet their standards, it can seem like the whole world is one big, sex-obsessed orgy.  Sexual people who like being sexual with each other, especially those of the nontraditional variety, … like sex.  And they’re probably going to express that “like” in ways that make currently nonsexual and permanently nonsexual people feel a little uncomfortable (flirting with each other, touching, kissing, hugging, making out, whispered dirty talk or sexual innuendos, etc.).  Yes, sexual people need to be better about unintentionally involving nonparticipants in their sexy times.  This, however, is not commentary on the nonsexual.  Unless, of course, it is commentary on the nonsexual.  At which point, those particular sexual people are assholes.  But that doesn’t mean that the world is trying to pressure them into having sex.  It means that assholes are assholes.

When some people take what those assholes say to heart, they may end up getting defensive about their own choices and throwing shit back at those who don’t deserve it.  To wit, …

… the world is sex-obsessed enough as it is …

… sounds like a backhanded way of saying sexual people don’t have anything else on their minds, not that they just really like sex so sex is on their minds a lot of the time.

… [They] don’t know how to accept a relationship that doesn’t have it …

… sounds like they’re incapable of understanding that they don’t want to be in a relationship with a currently or permanently nonsexual person.

… [Everything] is turned into something sexual and casual hookups have replaced a lot of real relationships …

… sounds like sexual people can’t discern what’s best for themselves and what’s best for others and that strictly sexual relationships don’t count as “real” ones.

Again, I get it.  If someone’s not currently sexual and they’re not planning on being sexual ever or only under certain relationship standards, that’s a more than fine personal choice.

But when people who are sexual, especially outside of traditional, heterosexual marriage, are characterized as obsessed, incapable, desensitized, and unreal, someone’s gone past making a personal choice for themselves and gone straight to … you guessed it, slut-shaming.  It’s almost as if they’re comparing themselves favorably against those obsessive, incapable, desensitized, and unreal “sex-ers” (i.e., using slut-shaming to define and defend their abstinence).

Why not just say “I’m waiting till marriage to have sex” and leave it at that?  Why not just say “Traditional marital monogamy turns me on”?  Why not just say “I’m demisexual” or “I’m sapiosexual” or “I’m asexual” or “I’m a big old romantic at heart” or a host of other self-definitions that don’t fling mud at the sex-loving “freaks” that do it differently?

Oh, and, by the way, if someone is choosing to remain a virgin because their religion dictates that anything outside of wedded, monogamous, heterosexual pair-bonding is unacceptable, their reasons for being a virgin are most likely rooted in misogyny, heterosexism, and … yep, slut-shaming.  If they simply like and want monogamy in traditional heterosexual marriage, they’re free to do that without slut-shaming others or engaging in singlism.

And here’s the danger of wanting satisfying sex in a married monogamous relationship without first trying it out beforehand.

The nearly constant judgment and expectations from my parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, and acquaintances wore on me. I was tired of feeling like a black sheep or even a leper, always on the defensive and having to explain myself, so eventually I just stopped telling people about our decision altogether.

Okay, this is virgin-shaming.  It’s bad and fuck those people.  However …

Neither of us had had any personal experience, we hadn’t had candid talks with other married friends, and I hadn’t really even had an adequate sex education class in school. Despite my repeated and direct questions about what to expect on the wedding night, the best advice I got from my trusted friends, family, and even doctors was always along the lines of “It’ll all work out,” or “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out,” or my personal favorite, “Sex within marriage is great!” …

I was diagnosed with Vaginismus shortly after returning from the honeymoon (and after a week of tears and pain and frustration). This meant I had involuntary contractions of the pelvic muscles that made sex extremely painful or even impossible. …

After talking with doctors and therapists, I began to realize that decades of “saving myself” had subconsciously convinced me that sex was actually bad, something to be avoided and not thought about. And now that it was “good,” my body didn’t know what to do, because it had spent so many years not letting itself get too excited around members of the opposite sex. In fact, Vaginismus can be caused by, “Overly rigid parenting, unbalanced religious teaching (i.e.“Sex is BAD”), … and inadequate sex education.”

In other words, this woman slut-shamed herself into a sexual problem with the help and support of her conservative community.

Can we please simply make abstinence a personal choice alone instead of giving people complexes around fearing being sexual and fearing being identified as a sexual person?  Us freaky folk sure would appreciate it.